Mousetrousers

A fast food worker is rushing to fulfil orders while balancing a tray of burgers, fries, drinks and nuggets.

Manager: Remember: we’re not a ‘fast food restaurant’– we’re a rapid service dining experience’.

The worker is cooking like a thousand beef patties.

Manager: You’re not a ‘burger flipper’– you’re ‘order assembly second backup team leader’.

The worker is squeezing some disgusting clogged machine.

Manager: You’re not ‘unclogging the ranch nozzle’– you’re ‘maintaining condiment excellence’.

The worker is sobbing uncontrollably.

Manager: You’re not ‘crying into napkins’– you’re ‘stealing company resources’.

A scientist is holding a small, remote control type object with a single button

Scientist:  This little gadget is a five-second time machine we’re calling the ‘undo button for life’.

Scientist: With just one press, you can instantly correct you’re mistakes.

(Time distortion waves surround the scientist as he pressed the button. You probably don’t know what time distortion waves look like but trust me, I drew them PERFECTLY.)

Scientist: With just one press, you can instantly correct your mistakes.

(A man is walking his dog and calls out to the man in front of him.)

Man 1: Dude!

Man 2: Hm? Oh, you must think I’m Robert.

Man 2: I’m actually a GHOST. I”ve been renting Robert’s body for a few weeks. My name is Gilbert.

Man 1: I’m Darren. So where’s Robert’s soul while you’re in his body?

Man 2: He said he was staying with you…?

Man 1 looks angrily at his dog.

Dog: I was GOING to tell you but turns out I love ear scritches.

A woman and a man are carrying moving boxes.

Woman: You hear something? I hope this house isn’t haunted.

Man: PFFT. This isn’t some Victorian era mansion.

Man: It was built in the NINETEEN nineties not the EIGHTEEN nine–

He is interrupted by a loud CRASH.

The man and the woman freak out as a nineties ghost zooms through their living room on a skateboard, knocking over a vase full of water on the coffee table. He is a typical sheet ghost but the sheet has Bart Simpson on it aiming his slingshot. Also the bottom of the sheet is JNCO jeans. The ghost is wearing Reebok Pumps and a backwards baseball cap. He’s wearing a snap bracelet on one arm and some rubber bracelets on the other. Behind him is a Nintendo Gameboy and a Tamagotchi he has dropped. On the bottom of the skateboard is a smiling Ninja Turtle face. It’s a black and white comic but in my mind it’s Michelangelo because he’s a party dude.

Nineties Ghost: COWABOOGEDY!

A man approaches a counter with an unseen attendant.

Man: Uh… they said to come here to get my employee number?

Attendant: I think you have the wrong department.

In the next panel it’s revealed that the attendant is in a racehorse costume, and even has a jockey on his back, whacking him and shouting HYAA!

Attendant: You want human RESOURCES.

A man excitedly sings a song. It has actions, too, apparently.

Closer, closer every year
The Reaper’s creeping ever near!
One day soon, he will appear!
Hark! Is that him now I hear?
They’ll bury your body, shedding a tear
But all the little worms will cheer,
And burrow in through your corpses ear–

In the background of the last panel, a furious woman points threateningly at the man. In the foreground, a traumatised child sits with a slice of cake with a candle in it.

Man (making air quotes): What “OTHER” birthday song?!

A man is ordering at a Drive-Thru restaurant, into a speaker.

Speaker: Welcome to Breakfast Barn! May I take your order?

Man: Unlimited Oatmeal!

Speaker: Sir, the All-You-Can-Oat promotion is for dine-in customers only.

Man (angrily): Let me speak to the manager.

In the last panel, the man’s car careens through a neighbourhood street knocking over garbage cans, mailboxes, garden gnomes and a cyclist. Two old people are fleeing in a panic as the car jumps the curb. The car is filled to its ceiling with oatmeal, so much so that it’s spilling it out the sunroof and the man’s hands on the wheel are the only visible part of him.

Man: The customer is ALWAYS rarglbargl.

(A man in close-up)

Man: My brother? Lemme tell you a few things about my brother.

Man: He’s a stubborn, bull-headed moron! He’s incapable of listening to reason! And he’s so cheap! He’–

(Sitcom style, the man realises something.)

Man: Sigh… he’s behind me, isn’t he?

In the last panel, his identical twin is shown conjoined to his back.

Man 2: Look, if you hate me so much then pay for half the surgery!

Man: I’m not paying half if you get to to keep the pancreas!

A motivational speaker with a headset microphone standing in a spotlight.

Speaker: Follow your dreams! Then you’ll find out which secluded parks they cut through to get home.

Speaker: Listen to your heart. Failing that, sometimes dogs will tell you what to do.

Speaker: Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you can still stab and/or strangle the moon.

The caption above the last panel reads “Ronnie Lee Givens: Murdervational Speaker”

Ronnie: Picture yourself holding the trophy. Could be a bracelet. Could be a toe.

In Ocean Land, the theme park about the sea, an excited park guest holiding a camera with the strap around his neck, looks at a sign that faces away from us.

Man: (reading) “Meet Flipper, the amazing dolphin!” Oh boy!

In the next panel, a huge, mutated dolphin bursts from its tank to attack the man. He tries to flee, but his camera strap is caught on one of the many sharp teeth inside the hideous porpoise’s mouth.

In the last panel, we are behind the sign again, but this time the back of the sign is splattered with blood, and a maintenance man with a small brush and can of paint is touching up the front. The park guest’s camera flies overhead.

Maintenance man: Welp… time to fix those missin’ letters on ol’ Fleshripper’s sign.