Monsterhood

Howie: So then I thought, why don’t we grow our OUR own vegetables?

(At the back door.)
There’s plenty of room in the backyard.

(In the yard.)
Skunk-Ape: Finally, my compost heap will be put to good use!
Howie: Yeah, about that… compost is supposed to be ORGANIC matter.

(In front of ‘compost heap’.)
Skunk-Ape: So I made…?
Howie: A huge pile of garbage, yeah.
Skunk-Ape: Noted.

(Howie in the garden digs up a bone.)
Howie: Huh? Is that…? It can’t be… It is!

Howie: (Pulls the bone out of the ground.) A dinosaur bone!
Skunk-Ape: Oh yeah. That must be where I buried Sparky.

Howie: You had a pet dinosaur?! Why didn’t you tell me dinosaurs aren’t extinct.
Skunk-Ape: I guess it hasn’t come up before.

Howie: I’m an eight year old boy. How has the subject of dinosaurs not come up before?

Death-Like Figure: Welcome to Plant Barn! How may I help you?
Howie: What type of plant is this?

(Howie hands him a plant.)
Death-Like Figure: Well, let’s take a–

(Plant dies instantly.)
Death-Like Figure: look.

Death-Like Figure: Sigh… this is the pet store job all over again.

(Howie and Skunk-Ape are reading a gardening book.)
Howie: It says we should try to use plants native to our local area.

Skunk-Ape: I don’t think they had our local area in mind.
(Skunk-Ape motions toward two plants in the backyard that look kinda like a triffid and Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors.)

(Skunk-Ape and Howie stand over a giant pod.)
Howie: These pod things seem pretty safe, though, right?

(A duplicate of Skunk-Ape walks in.)
Duplicate Skunk-Ape: Sure they’re safe so safe you could go to sleep next to them go to sleep now ok
(Lack of punctuation = lack of emotion. You guys got that, right?)

(Howie looking up at something.)
Howie: Hey Skunk-Ape! Was there anything RADIOACTIVE in your garbage pile?
Skunk-Ape: (off-panel) Of course, why?

(Howie standing in front of biggest pumpkin ever.)
Howie: Oh, no reason.
(Vampire flies in as a bat.)
Vampire: Wow! That’s a first prize pumpkin!

Vampire: You should enter it in the festival!
Howie: How?
Vampire: Register at our electronic kiosk.

Evil Future-Robot: (Writing on a clipboard.) Pumpkin as a P in the middle, right?

(Skunk-Ape is sitting in an armchair. Howie comes in.)
Guess what, Skunk-Ape? I entered our giant pumpkin in some festival! We’ll win for sure!

Skunk-Ape: The FULL MOON FESTIVAL?
Howie: That’s the one!

Skunk-Ape: The Full Moon Festival held ON THE NIGHT OF THE FULL MOON?
Howie: You got it!

Skunk-Ape: The Full Moon Festival you can’t go to ’cause everyone will know YOU’RE NOT A WEREWOLF?!
Howie: You’ve hit the nail on the– OH.

(Howie and Vampire in a cafe. Vampire is sipping coffee from a paper cup.)
Howie: So anyway, we’re gonna pull our giant pumpkin from the festival. Hope that’s OK.

Vampire: Oh, it’s fine. May I ask why?

Howie: Uh… why? Well… because… I… ate it? Yeah, that’s it. I ATE it.
Can’t blame a guy for getting hungry, right?

Of course not. After all, YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN. (Vampire crushes the paper cup.)

(Howie and Skunk-Ape sitting in cafe.)
Vampire: Yes, I know you’re not a werewolf, and on the night of the full moon, everyone else will too.

(Vampire sips his coffee.)
Howie: Oh, I get it. Because THEN you can bite me and turn ME into a vampire.

Vampire: What? NO! That’s terrible!

Vampire: Oh, sorry. They gave me decaf. You’re totally right, by the way.

Howie: There’s a flaw in your plan, Vampire. I can just SKIP the festival and everyone will still think I’m a werewolf.

Vampire: That’s true, but you’ll also be the most HATED werewolf in town.
Howie: How do you figure?

Vampire: Ta-da! (Holds up a newspaper with the headline: “Local werewolf to donate giant pumpkin to orphans; Highlight of festival, says committee.”)

Vampire: You’re also cutting the ribbon on the new children’s hospital with your big werewolf teeth.
Howie: What an honour.

Howie: How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I tend to sleep during the day.

Howie: But you must toss and turn in your bed with guilt.
Vampire: I don’t have a bed… I sleep in a coffin.

Howie: Well, then how do you live with yourself?
Vampire: I’m undead. Technically I don’t live at all.

Howie: I guess what I’m asking is… don’t you have a CONSCIENCE?
Vampire: (turns into a bat.) Nope. Don’t forget to tip the waitress.