Meet-a-Monster #2: The Curse Of The Mummy’s Curse
Mummified Pharaoh: RAAA! Who dares disturb my resting place?!
Archaeologist: I- I’m sorry. Is there a curse?
Mummified Pharaoh: Nah, there’s no curse. You know why? ‘Cause I’m a JOLLY GOOD PHARAOH.
Mummified Pharaoh: Why aren’t you laughing? Don’t you get it?
Archaeologist: I got it… it just… wasn’t that funny.
Mummified Pharaoh: Oh, well, EXCUSE ME, Mr. Critic. You know what? I forgot. There IS a curse. You’re cursed now.
(Archaeologist falls over dead.)
Monster Lessons Begin
(Skunk-Ape and Howie are standing in front of a mirror.)
Skunk-Ape: To be a monster, children have to be afraid of you. But as you’re the only kid here, you’ll have to practice on this mirror.
(Howie is doing a scary pose.)
Skunk-Ape: OK, that’s pretty scary… but you need to look a LITTLE more SCARED.
(Howie is doing a scared pose.)
Skunk-Ape: Oh, see, now you look TOO scared, you’ll have to scare it up a notch.
(Howie is trying to do both at the same time and it’s funny.)
Skunk-Ape: More scared! More scary! More sca– WHAT, THAT’S IT! Oh, nope, you lost it.
Know Your Zombies
(Skunk-Ape is holding a small tape-recorder. Howie is holding a pen and notepad.)
Zombie on tape: HNNGGGHH!
Skunk-Ape: This is the rattling wheeze of an adult male zombie.
Zombie on tape: HNNGGGHH!
Skunk-Ape: And this is the female.
Skunk-Ape: You will, of course, notice the difference in pitch.
Howie: Huh? They both sound the same to me.
Skunk-Ape: Oh no. He’s groandeaf.
The Monster’s Code
Skunk-Ape: Listen, kid. I don’t know that I can teach you EVERYTHING about being a monster. But I can teach you the most important thing of all.
Skunk-Ape: Some monsters are hairy. Some are scary. Some are NIGHTMAREY. But there’s something that makes sure we all get along. It’s called: THE MONSTER’S CODE.
Skunk-Ape: THE MONSTER’S CODE states that no monster may ever harm another monster.
Howie: What about harming humans?
Skunk-Ape: Well, that’s why I’ve told everyone you’re a werewolf.
A Pretty Good Plan
Howie: Everyone thinks I’m a werewolf?
Skunk-Ape: Genius, right?
Skunk-Ape: You get to move freely about the city, protected by the monster’s code… and I don’t get run out of town for harbouring a human!
Howie: Actually, that DOES seem like a pretty good plan.
Skunk-Ape: DUH. What could go wrong?
(Vampire, Miss Gorgon and Evil Future-Robot are sitting around a table.)
Vampire: I now call this meeting of the FULL MOON FESTIVAL planning committee to order.
Evil Future-Robot: Theme idea: Destroy all humans!
Meet A Monster #3: Medusa Makeover
Host: When Medusa first began her FIX MY FACE journey, her UGLINESS was turning anyone who looked at her, and her chances for LOVE, into stone.
(Host and Miss Gorgon are in front of a mirror.)
Host: VOILA! (Covers the microphone.) We couldn’t do much about the snake hair because of the whole animal rights thing.
Host: And now for you at home to see just how far Medusa has come, with our HALF-AND-HALF before and after photo.
Miss Gorgon: Uh… is that a good idea.
(Man on couch watching TV. Half of his body has turned to stone.)
Cooking With Skunk-Ape
(Skunk-Ape is holding a pan with a tail coming out, and a fork.)
Skunk-Ape: Who wants squirrel?
(Howie and Skunk-Ape at the table.)
Howie: Uh… as an explorer, it’s hard for me to say this, but I don’t think I can eat a squirrel.
Howie: And as a child, it’s even harder for me to say THIS, but–
Howie: I want VEGETABLES.
(Howie is entering the grocery store.)
Skunk-Ape: I’ll meet you at the corner.
(Howie is holding a tin can, reading the label.)
Howie: Stoats ‘n’ gravy. EW.
Howie: Excuse me, do you have any PEOPLE food?
Amphibious Swamp-Creature, Jr.: Aisle Six.
(Howie standing under the sign for Aisle Six. It lists TRAPS, HUNTING, BAIT.)
Stop Saying Swamp
(Amphibious Swamp-Creature is packing Howie’s groceries into a bag. He is dripping with swamp juice.)
Amphibious Swamp-Creature: You’re that werewolf kid, right? Me, I’m an amphibious swamp creature.
Amphibious Swamp-Creature: That’s why I’m covered in swamp juice. Gotta keep my skin all swampy and moist!
(Amphibious Swamp-Creature hands Howie the bag. It is dripping with swamp juice. Howie’s about to puke.)
Amphibious Swamp-Creature: Anyway, kid, here’s your food.
(Skunk-Ape is leaning against a post, reading a magazine. Howie comes along kicking a can.)
Skunk-Ape: No vegetables?
Howie: The greengrocer was green and gross.
(Howie on Skunk-Ape’s shoulders, holding Skunk-Apes rolled-up magazine. Above them is a street light, with an alarmed looking bat hanging underneath.)
Howie: To the castle, Skunk-horse!
Skunk-Ape: Are all humans this bossy or just you?
(On the street light, Vampire appears in a cloud of smoke with the sound effect FOOF.)
Vampire: Seems our little werewolf is a wolf in sheep’s clothing!
Er… I mean a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
Vampire: I mean a HUMAN in human clothing pretending to be a wolf in wolf’s clothing… which he doesn’t HAVE because he’s not… no-one heard that did they? Good.