Monsterhood

Unicorn: hey, dude.
Howie: huh? wha… A Unicorn? UNICORNS ARE REAL! i mean… uh… that’s what i’d say if i were a girl. a unicorn. whatever. lame.

Howie: this town has a very loose definition of the term ‘monsters’
Unicorn: oh, because unicorns are so nice? perhaps you haven’t noticed this terrifying horn!
[Butterfly lands on his horn]
Unicorn: not now, Clarence.

Skunk-ape: Howie, there’s no such thing as unicorns!
Howie: oh, is that so? Ta-da!
Skunk-ape: uh… that’s just a horse.
Howie: what gives unicorn? what happened to your horn?
Unicorn: we unicorns shed or horns in winter.
[Unicorn’s horn appears again]
Unicorn: Hey look! winter’s over.

Howie: shed you horn in winter, huh? I’m not buying it. for a start, winters not for months.
Unicorn: if you must know, its a defense mechanism. if i feel threatened, i can shed the horn and grow a new one when the coast is clear.
Howie: like a mechanical pencil!
Unicorn: If that helps you. the idea is that i look like a regular horse if I don’t have a horn. Unless I have a cold.
Howie: what happens if you have a cold?
Unicorn: I SNEEZE GLITTER, OKAY?!

Howie: i know you want to feel safe, but skunk-ape wouldn’t hurt you. i mean, if you were a squirrel, I’d understand.
Unicorn: I’d rather no one knew about me– i only spoke to you because of my deal with the other werewolves. they kept my secret, and i kept theirs.
Howie: what other werewolves?! what secret?!
Unicorn: oh, thought you’d already know. well, obviously i cant tell you. its a secret. see how good i am at this? and the same loyalty could be yours for the low, low price of shut up about unicorns.

Skunk-ape: hey, Howie. see any more of those hornless unicorns out in the forest?
Howie: ha ha, very funny.
Skunk-ape: or maybe you found el dorado, the lost city of gold!
Howie: ok. you can stop now.
Skunk-ape: or maybe you found pandora’s box or a wee little leprechaun!
Howie: I get it! that’s enough skunk-ape!
Skunk-ape: Ha! Good one! Maybe you found the Florida Skunk-ape! oh, wait.

Skunk-ape: Howie, i feel bad for making fun of you. i shouldnt a teased you about the unicorn. i mean, its not like its crazier than anything else in this town. i know you wouldn’t lie to me, so if you say there’s a unicorn in the forest then i believe you. you did see a unicorn, right?
[Howie remembers skunk-ape and unicorn]
Skunk-ape in memory: …i know you wouldn’t lie to me…
Unicorn in memory: …shut up about unicorns…
Howie: Yes! there is a unicorn in the forest and he’s big and has horns and shoots SPARKLEBOOGERS!

Skunk-ape: so he grows a new horn, huh? like a mechanical pencil!
Howie: that’s what i said! but you can’t tell anyone ok? i promised i would keep it a secret!
Skunk-ape: uh… okay. um… do you think it would be bad if, say… vampire found out?
Howie: waht? DUH. of course that would be bad! why would you even ask that question?
Skunk-ape: because he’s eavesdropping on us again.
Vampire: i prefer the term antisocial networking.

Howie: you have to promise you won’t tell anyone about the unicorn. a real promise, not a vampire promise.
Vampire: Okay, Okay.
A LITTLE LATER…
Vampire: Well, i had to tell robot. he’s the person i hate the least in the whole world!
Robot: and i had to tell the professor! this is a major scientific discovery.
Professor: and i had to tell henry… to carry my equipment.

[everyone is staring at the unicorn]
Unicorn: this is you keeping a secret?
Howie: look, i know you think you have to hide from everyone– sometimes i feel that too. but this town is full of people who are more than happy to accept you as their own.
Professor: i dont believe it! this horn… it’s pure silver!
Vampire: He’s mine!
Professor: I saw him first!
Robot: I called dibs!