Monsterhood

Newspaper delivery guy: Early for your first day! i like that! here’s your bundle.
Howie: who prints the news paper anyway?
Newspaper delivery guy: nobody knows. get this– it’s delivered the day before all the news in it happens. every morning the next days papers turn up outside the city gates.
Howie: the date on these is 3 days ago.
Newspaper delivery guy: i dont go out and get them every day! im busy!

Howie: delivering newspapers, just like a normal kid. maybe this place isnt so crazy after all.
Miss Gorgon: here’s your front page Howie! “Vampire’s a jerk!”
Vampire: two days in a row? i doubt it.
Howie: Comics?
Death: (laughing) Obituaries!
Pharaoh: they never publish my letters!
Howie: you write them in hieroglyphics.
Pharaoh: Bird means bird, flax means flax. its not hard!

Howie: here’s your paper, Professor. hey, Professor? is evil-future robot ok? i havent seen him since the robot war.
Professor: i rebuilt him… but there was a cost… he isnt the same…
Howie: what do you mean?
Professor: he came back wrong!
[Robot sniff flowers happily]

Howie: i brought a copy for the library’s archives!
Girl: thanks, howie.
Howie: you wanna read through some names after i finish the paper run?
Girl: ok, sure, as long as you dont forget.
Howie: how could i forget?
Girl: you forgot last time.
Howie: i dont remember that!
Girl: exactly.
Howie: this time will be different. i’ll come straight back, i promise. no more forgetful howie!
Girl: uh… newspaper!
Howie: oh… right.

[Howie throws paper behind him and gets hit on the head with it after]
Howie: HEY!
Henry: sorry, Howie i thought we were having a newspaper fight. i won, by the way.
Howie: what were you doing up there?
Henry: i’ll show you. Behold, the pumpkin wagon 2.0!

[SECRET GOVERNMENT FACILITY PRESENT DAY]
Robot: BEEP…BEEP…BEEP…BOOP…BEEP…
Guy: wait, what did you say?
Robot: BEEP?
Guy: Before that!
Robot: BOOP?
Guy: boop?!
[Guy stands up and throws his hands in the air]
Guy: BOOP!

Man: Good work on finding the energy bubble, simmons. we are one step closer to establishing our new facility. Due to the properties of the field, even if someone does wander in and see what we’re working on, we’ll just need to escort him out of the dome and he will believe it was all in his head. Until then, anyone who knows too much will be dealt with the old-fashioned way.
Simmons: Whats the old-fashioned way?
[Simmons is now DEAD and a robot is cleaning the body up]

Person over headset: You’re doing what?
Man: it was the only option available, sir. everything else is out of commission.
Person over headset: you dont even know how it works.
Man: i know how to operate it. thats enough for now.
Person over headset: every time you ‘operate’ that thing it ends up all over the internet.
Man: no one ever believes those stories, and they definitely wont once its inside the field.
[it is revealed the man in is a Flying Saucer]
Person over headset: alright. but no zig-zagging, no buzzing passenger planes and no woodoo woodoo noises!
Man: thank you, sir.

Man: The energy field! wait a sec… GATES? guess im not the first to find this place. no matter. [man reads sign] “Human! seek not to open these gates! for beyond a monster haven awaits! refuge from humanity and your destructive vanity! safe harbour for those with hearts for good, but those souls are clothed in Monsterhood.”
[Man rips of sign]
Man: Destructive? what a bunch of crybabies.

Man: argh! what are these gates made of?! Obviously i need something with a little more kick, but i cant blast them open without risking damage to the field! cant go through it… cant go over it… have to go-
[man hears knocking on UFOs door]
Gnome: greetings human! wish to join our underground movement?