Monsterhood

Henry: Morning, Howie! It’s time you learned how to play monsterball!
Howie: Bases… mits… a bat. seems to me that monsterball is just softball rebadged to avoid association with humans.
Henry: Whatever you say. here. catch this.
[Howie catches a small furry creature]
Howie: Oh, hey little guy! i think i’m gonna call you gadget.
Henry: Please Don’t name the ball.

Howie: so how do we pick teams? Boys vs girls? Living vs dead?
Henry: no, no, no. we use the sorting mit!
[Henry plops the mit onto Howie’s head]
Henry: we just place it on your head like this, and the sorting mit will tell us which team you belong to.
[twenty minutes later]
Howie: …please not vampires team…
Skunk-ape: Okay, Henry, Joke’s over.
[henry points at his camera]
Henry: One more? to use up the role?

Henry: you can bat first, Howie.
Howie: Yeah, about that. i don’t know if i can hit this cute little creature with a bat.
Henry: Don’t worry. they don’t feel it. oh, and they’re NOT cute.
Howie: Not cute? how can you say that? wook at his widdle–
[the creature bites Howie]
[Howie grabs a bat and is now in position]

Skunk-ape: Now, the most important thing to remember about monsterball is to swing at everything.
Howie: Oh, so i’ll strike out? nice try skunk ape. your team’s gonna lose.
Skunk-ape: Ok… Whatever you say.
[Henry throws the creature and it multiplies]
[Skunk-ape and Howie are now surrounded by the creatures]
Howie: they’re everywhere
Skunk-ape: Yeah, those things multiply like crazy.

Howie: You neglected to mention bitey-creature-becomes-multiple-bitey-creatures aspect of monster ball.
Henry: Oh yeah… Nearest we can figure, it’s a defense mechanism. when they feel threatened the divide exponentially to overwhelm predators.
Howie: They’re attacking the city!
Henry: Happens every monsterball season. wow. when you explain it all out loud like that, you realise it’s a pretty dumb game.

Howie: How do we get rid of these fuzzy-creatures?
Skunk-ape: we have a procedure. Siren sets her voice to the ‘repel’ setting and drives them out. then we round up the tone deaf ones with these nets.
Howie: Ok!
[siren singing]
Siren: Get out of our town furry critters, or we’ll make five thousand pairs of slippers…

[Howie chases after a creature]
Howie: i’ve got you now!
[Howie falls over and looks into an alleyway]
Howie: Oh, cool. a snack machine.
Malevolent: This ‘snack machine’ has more computing power than all the world’s computers combined!
Howie: Chips, Please.
Malevolent: I AM NOT A SNACK MACHINE!

Malevolent: so… you must be Howard the human.
Howie: How… How did you know that?
Malevolent: The robot scanned your DNA.
Howie: But we reset him! Before he could tell anyone.
Malevolent: But NOT before the automatic backup kicked in and wirelessly uploaded the contents of his memory to me. I remember everything he’s forgotten. Which reminds me: is that vampire always such a jerk?
Howie: Yeah, Pretty much.

Howie: So, Supercomputer, are you from the future, too?
Malevolent: Yes. we arrived decades ago to enslave mankind.
Howie: Then why come to a town with no humans?
Malevolent: It was not by choice… we moved in time, not space.
Howie: So taking over the earth is on the backburner?
Malevolent: No… you will assist me.
Howie: yeah… That’s not gonna happen.
Malevolent: Actually i was talking to the creature. Sorry, it’s hard to point when you have no arms.

Malevolent: I scanned the creatures DNA. I know how it multiplies. Now i will convert the DNA code into Computer code. Then, i will download the program in to the robot…
Howie: And build a world conquering army by dividing him over and over again!
Malevolent: Correct. The calculations will be intensive. i must devote all available resources. powering down. conversation over.
Howie: DNA, huh?
Professor: You came to the right seahorse.
[he holds up a syringe]
Howie: don’t you mean ‘the right person’?
Professor: not if this works.