Monsterhood

Girl: Howie, Wait!
Howie: You’re a werewolf?! why didn’t you tell me?
Girl: I thought you were a werewolf! Everyone thinks you’re a werewolf!
Howie: Yeah, but you don’t know anyone! you never leave the library! how could you have heard that?
Girl: I’ll show you. The library archives every edition of the newspaper. you were on the front page news, remember?
Howie: Argh! stupid Vampire! Oh, Vampire’s this guy–
Girl: I know. the library archives magazines, too.
[Girl holds up magazine that that reads: “Vampire: World’s biggest jerk?]

Howie: so what happened? did a werewolf bite you or was pawprint water?
Girl: i think i was born this way.
Howie: your parents were lycanthropes too?
Girl: maybe. or it could just be wishful thinking. i don’t like the thought of being the only one of my kind.
Howie: yeah, i know what you mean. sometimes i feel that way, too.
[Howie holds out arm]
Howie: quick, take a bite before i change my mind.

Girl: Howie, it’s sweet that you would do that for me, but i can’t ask you to become something that i don’t want to be.
Howie:, you don’t want to be a werewolf? you should have said! let’s go to the professor!
Girl: the yo-yo guy?
Howie: He also works with DNA.
Girl: No! changing my DNA would break the only link i have with my parents! there must be another way to cure me.
Howie: we’ll need to do some research then.
[Howie and girl surrounded by piles of books]
Howie: this doesn’t look like the dewey decimal system.
Girl: even the word ‘system’ is pushing it.

Howie: I’ve got something! says here if i say your first name five times in a row, you’ll be cured.
Girl: that could be a problem. i don’t know what my first name is.
Howie: no matter. we’ll try every first name five times.
[Howie gets book of baby names]
Girl: Howie! that’s insane! it’ll take forever!
Howie: No, it won’t. you’re a girl right?
Girl: right.
Howie: See? we’re already half way done.

Howie: ok, so your name is not Gladys.
Girl: i’m glad it’s not Gladys!
[Howie laughs]
Girl: Howie, when we were up on the roof… you were about to say something… and i think i know what it was. and well, i just wanted to say that i…
[Howie falls asleep]
Girl: Howie? *sigh* I like you too.

Vampire as bat: Pots and pans duty, huh, kid? tough break. hey, i think you missed a spot. HA!
Miss Gorgon: Ok, Henry, you’re done. i’ll drain out the water. you get off to bed.
Henry: thanks, Miss Gorgon. Goodnight.
[Miss Gorgon splashes Vampire]
Vampire: argh! hey! that’s so–
[heart floats above Vampire’s head]
Vampire: mean.

THREE MONTHS AGO. BENEATH THE TOWN.
Gnome 1: We found this in the Vampire’s house!
Gnome 2: i’m sure he won’t miss it! hee hee!
Gnome 3: looking glass, looking glass, become all-seeing! lead us to the human being!
[Skunk-ape shows up in mirror]
Gnome 1: that’s a human?
Gnome 2: it’s hairier than i imagined.
Gnome 1: Augh! should the mirror be picking up that smell?
Gnome 3: some odours are more powerful than magic.

TWO MONTHS AGO. BENEATH THE TOWN.
Gnome 1: this snake you enchanted let go of the human at the first sight of food!
Gnome 2: a creature’s hunger is more powerful than magic.
Gnome 1: seems like everything is more powerful than–
Gnome 2: what?
Gnome 1: Nothing!
[Gnome 3 holds up yo-yo]
Gnome 3: we did find this in the professor’s lab! perhaps it could be useful, having seen the human’s love for toys? hmm. enchanting this will take some time
Gnome 1: i bet that lesson hasn’t come in the mail yet.
Gnome 3: What?
Gnome 1: Nothing!

ONE MONTH AGO.
Gnome 1: There’s the human!
Gnome 2: Deploy the toy!
Gnome 1: He’s stealing our magic yo-yo!
Gnome 2: that’s what we want!
Gnome 1: Oh, right. i forgot.
Skunk-ape: The… kite? oh, yeah. good job on that. anyway, check this thing out! woooo!
Gnome 2: Now we watch the mirror. when he’s all tied up, we’ll go and collect him.
Gnome 1: argh! that square-headed creature keeps freeing him!
Gnome 2: Beat it, box-face! we’re trying to catch a human here!

PRESENT DAY
Gnome 3: Gnomes! i have the answer!
Gnome 1: he’s retiring?
Gnome 2: hee hee!
Gnome 3: instead on binding the human, we must simply lure it here! an enchanted squirrel would suffice! i’ll get started on a charm at once!
Gnome 1: uh… the thing is… we feel that more traditional approach may be more profitable in this situ–
Gnome 2: WE THINK YOU SUCK AT MAGIC!
[Gnome 1 in squirrel costume running from Skunk-ape]
Gnome 1: me and be biiiig mouth.